I don't know about anyone else's experiences with BPD or depression, but I know for me it can take me surprise, even after months of almost daily therapy. Just yesterday I was reading a study that referred to people with "serious mental illness," and I thought to myself, "would I fit in that category?" And my immediate response was "oh course not, I mean yeah, things get bad sometimes, but I'm largely functional and relatively well adjusted and blah de blah." But by the time I went to bed I realized that maybe I'm not as well adjusted as I'd thought. All of a sudden things were "that bad" again, and all it took was feeling slightly overwhelmed by things, feeling a little worse than usual about myself, guilty about how much I've been eating, guilty that I don't study enough, shame about some of the more self destructive things that have been going on, and I can go from feeling pretty okay to actively suicidal in a matter of hours.
Now, I know that this has probably been building up for a few days if not longer and that emotional lability is one of the symptoms of BPD, but it still shocks me how quickly things can implode in my life. And despite all the therapy I've had in the past year or two I still don't know what to do when this happens.
Even more alarming is how hard it becomes to ask for help when I feel my life start to collapse. It's really counterproductive because when things are going relatively well I find it easy to open up in therapy or to friends, but as soon as I become suicidal I retreat, desperately hoping someone will notice and help but completely unwilling to risk someone knowing because I half hope that this is the day I manage to go through with it, that this time I will be better at suicide than I've been in the past. But even though I can't bring myself to tell someone when I know they will stop me, I hope someone does.
It occurs to me that maybe what makes BPD so serious is that most of the time it's easy for me to seem okay. I can fake it just well enough that no one knows when I most need help.
Now, I have no idea if anyone actually reads this, but if anyone is reading I'd love if you'd leave a comment about how you ask for help when you need it. Who do you talk to, what do you say, and how do you know to ask?
It's taken me a long time to learn how to handle this and it's an ongoing process. I try to describe what I feel when I'm really sick, to try to remember it and tell my therapist about it at a time I can do it. Next step is to learn to recognize the beginnings of a downslide and try to tell someone who can be with me or get me to the doctor.
ReplyDeleteMarwa, I've never been where you are, but I'm not very good at asking for help when my anxiety is bad either. I think it goes with the territory. But I hope you know there are a lot of people out here in cyberspace who love you very much.
ReplyDeleteMarwa, I've never been where you are but when I do need help I generally try to remember those times when people in my life have needed help and couldn't bring themselves to ask for it. In all those cases, there were people who would've been willing to move heaven and earth to help had they only known.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of us who love you and think the world of you. Please know that you are not alone.
I've started with telling my husband and sending a friend (any friend) a text and telling them I'm having a bad day. That way, they ask what's wrong and I don't feel like I'm being a burden.
ReplyDeleteI have a few friends that do the same with me, so we can help each other. I know I'd be willing to give you my cell # so you could text me if you needed to.
I'm TiggerKnitter on Rav.
I have a standard text in a group text that I send, that way I don't have to think for words, and those people are people who will dial the numbers for me if I can't, and drop everything to be with me if I know I can't trust myself.
ReplyDeleteI would totally be willing to give you my number for texting.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are valid, you ARE.
I'm amazonmink on Rav. I'm sending warm and gentle love toward you.